As of this week, I have determined that I am 100%, undeniably, without-a-doubt crazy.

And I don't mean psycho crazy like when some girl decides that the best solution to getting some guy to talk to her is to call his phone 13 times within a 10 minute time frame, in hope that "if I call his phone just one more time, maybe he'll answer" kind of crazy.

And I don't mean stupid crazy like eating a baggy full of mushrooms that one of your friends found in some cow pasture in some field in Colorado. And even though you know that those mushrooms were growing in a big, steaming, pile of cow dookie, and that the said mushrooms may or may not possibly kill you if you eat them, you decide that if you just throw them all on a slice of pizza, and then eat them, all will be ok.

And I don't mean adventurous crazy, like waking up one morning at 6am, calling 10 of your closest friends, and convincing them all that day that they should all go skydiving with you because "I think it might be kinda fun to jump out of a perfectly good airplane for no reason at all."

And I also don't mean drunk crazy, like when you line up 4 shots of Patron in front of you, take them all back to back and then proceed to do the following activities all in one night:

1.) Go line dancing
2.) Dance on a bar
3.) Make-out with someone from work
4.) Drunk call everyone in your cell phone, including your parents
4.) Come home and decide that you need a hair cut RIGHT NOW and proceed to cut off 7 inches of your own hair (unevenly, I might add) which you have been painstakingly growing out for 2 years.

Not that I have ever done, experienced, performed any of the above listed psycho, stupid, adventurous, drunk crazy activities. No, not me. Never. I'm a perfect little angel. I've just heard stories.

The kind of crazy to which I am referring involves strait-jackets, padded-walls, and heavy medication. I believe that I have officially become insane.

And I'll give you 2 reasons for the sudden onset of my complete, mental breakdown:
1.) My Dad
2.) My Mom

They are in my house as I type this, snooping through my stuff, moving things around, asking me too many questions, and harassing my poor, unsuspecting friends.

I now remember why I live exactly live 947.12 miles away from them. (A 15 hour and 21 minute drive.)

Ironically, I wouldn't trade them in for the world. (Against the wishes of the voices in my head.) And that is why I think that I am certifiably crazy.

Labels: Parental Units

I am tired. But it's my turn to be here for her. So I stay strong for her. And I stay strong for him. And I stay optimistic for them.

But I am tired. And I can't let them see me this way. Because she was never tired when I needed her. And so many people are too tired to help him. And they will think that their little girl has fallen if I show them what little strength I have right now.

So every morning I wake up, and remind myself that all I need is just a little more patience. Patience is the key to my existence right now. Patience keeps me strong. Patience keeps me sane. Patience keeps me happy. And if I just keep reminding myself to be patient then I know that at the end of it all, she, and he, and they will let me take a nap. And even if I only get a short one, they will be worth it. Because I know that I can't survive right now without her and him and them. So I stay awake for them.

Labels: Guy #6, Parental Units, Top Secret

I found a caterpillar on the door knob of my front door last night. And I was so overcome with fear that I literally ran back to my garage and got back into my car, to protect myself from the evil gaze of that monstrous caterpillar's satanic eyes.

I then proceeded to yell at DJ for the next 2 minutes for not pulling some strings up in heaven to get rid of all the bugs and creepy crawlies that may or may not be invading my house at any given moment. I mean, he left me alone in the world to fend for myself, the least he could do is shoo a few bugs away so that I don't have to pee my pants every time one comes near me. Right? RIGHT???

But alas, I knew that I had to tackle this on my own, so I did what any sane, smart, logical, soon-to-be-30-years-old woman would do. I called my Daddy.

"There's a caterpillar on my door knob. What do I do?"
"Flick it off."
"With my BARE hands?"
"If you want. Or you could get a paper towel."
"BUT HOW DO I GET A PAPER TOWEL WHEN I CAN'T GET INSIDE MY HOUSE??? THERE'S A CATERPILLAR ON MY DOOR KNOB!!! I'M TRAPPED OUTSIDE FOREVER!!!"
"Mija, calm down. You can't find a leaf or a stick or something else to use?"
"Are you kidding? It's dark out here. And I bet everything is covered in some sort of poisonous, neurotoxic caterpillar goop that will paralyze me with agonizing, excruciating pain the instant I touch it, causing me to have epileptic-like grand mal seizures and die! DIE I TELL YOU!!! So what do I do? WHAT DO I DO???"
"Mija, you're gonna have to calm down..."
"...Oh wait...The caterpillar is gone now. It must have crawled away while I was in my car. Never mind!"

And that, my friends, is the solution to all of life's problems. When you are in a time of crisis, and you don't know what to do, just wait 5 minutes...it might crawl away on it's own. And if that doesn't work, call the ultimate superhero - your daddy.

Labels: I'm all growed up now., Parental Units, Widowness

Reason #1 as to why I can't live with my parents, even though I totally love love love them and am glad that they are visiting:

They like to open closed doors.

Without knocking.

Even if you're behind the closed door.

Pooping.

In your own house.

In your own master bathroom.

And before leaving to use the bathroom you declare, "I'm going to the bathroom...to poop. I'll be back in 35-45 minutes."

And then after you freak out and yell, "I'M IN HERE!!! GET OUT!!!" They say, "I'm sorry, mija. I was just wondering where you keep the sponges."

And then you yell out, "To wash the dishes? It's in the little sponge dish right on top of the sink."

And then they say, "No. To wash the car."

Silent pause...

Me: "Why do you need to know that information now? It's 11pm."

Them: "Oh yeah. Never mind."

Parents...can't live with them, can't live without their money.

Labels: Parental Units

This one time, when I was 15, my parents and I took a trip to Mexico to visit family. On our way back, my mom realized that she had forgotten her green card at home. When we got to immigration, my mom explained her situation to the boarder control man. The man told her that it wouldn't be a problem...if she had a green card, then she would be in the computer. There was just one little problem: my mom couldn't remember what name appeared on her green card. You see, my mom is one of those typical Mexican ladies with like 800 names. She has varied her name throughout her life, making it shorter and shorter, dropping certain names, or adding certain ones, until today, where she only has a first name and a last name. And acutally, her official U.S. first name, as listed on her U.S. Naturalization papers is actually her middle name. (She always hated her real first name.) But I digress. She couldn't remember if she had already dropped her first name when she receieved her green card over 15 years prior to that day. Nor could she remember if she used her married name when she received her green card. INS only gave her one chance at "guessing" her name. And she didn't guess correctly. So we had no choice but to leave my mom behind in Mexico. My dad and I travelled back to the U.S. without her and had to wait 3 weeks until my dad could get more vacation time for us to travel back to Mexico and pick her up. We weren't about to mail her green card to her...the mail system in Mexico is not to be trusted. Who knows what kind of thug would have ended up with her green card and all of her information. We had to bring it to her in person.

I remember during this time, during these 3 weeks, missing my mom immensely. But I was a kid back then. I was used to seeing my mom everyday...talking to her, laughing with her, crying on her shoulder...and during this time she was gone. She wasn't there for me. Not by her choice, of course, but gone nevertheless.

It has now been 10 years since I've lived with my mom. I went to a college that was about an hour and a half away from her and after I graduated and got married, I moved to an entirely different state than where she lives. So I've gotten used to being away from her. Of course I still miss her, but not like I did during those 3 weeks that she was trapped in Mexico.

That is, until she went back to Mexico 3 weeks ago to visit her mom. Ever since the day she left, I feel like I did during those 3 weeks when I was 15. I miss her immensely. I don't know what it is, or why I miss her more than I normally do. Maybe it's because I can't call her while she's there. (My grandma doesn't have a phone.) But it's just weird. It's not like I get to see her, even when she is in the U.S. But now that she's in another country, I miss her enough to make me cry. I miss her hugs, I miss her laugh, I miss her cooking, I miss her love.

She'll be back at home with my dad tomorrow. Even though she'll still be in another state, I'll be relieved to have her back. And I'm reminded that you're never too old to want a big hug from your mom. Because a hug from my mom (or my dad, for that matter) always made everything better.

Labels: I'm all growed up now., Parental Units, Viva Mexico

Has anyone ever seen the movie called "My Big Fat Greek Wedding?" I swear that movie was a documentary of my life and family. They just replaced the Mexicans with Greeks, the tequila with ouzo, and the phrase, "Viva Mexico!" with the word, "Opa!" All to protect the innocent. But most importantly, they replaced my dad's use of caulk with the movie dad's use of windex.

Let me explain: In the movie, the main character's dad uses Windex as a fix all and cure all for any malady. Not only is it great for cleaning windows, but it also gets rid of warts/pimples, and helps with sprained elbows. Well instead of using windex, my dad uses caulk. As in the stuff used to seal window edges, bathtubs, and kitchen sinks. He walks around all day, caulk gun in hand, looking for things to caulk. It started out, innocently enough, during a small bathroom renovation project and has now snowballed into an avalanche of caulk mayhem. He caulked the thermostat to the wall. He caulked my mom's broken vase back together. He even caulked his car back together. Let me repeat that. He caulked his car back together, people. Some of the plastic seal that surrounds the outer edge of the driver's side window was falling off, so he caulked it back into place.

"Daddy, I think it's just time for you to buy a new car."

"No, mija. This car is still pretty new."

"You bought it in 1989, Daddy. It's time to put it out to pasture."

"You want me to drive you where? Hold on, mija, let me put the caulk away."

I told my dad about the windex subplot of the movie and how it compared to him. He laughed, agreed that it was funny, but did not think that he was anything like the movie dad.

Until today.

I called my dad, just to check in and see how he was doing without my mom around (my mom took a small trip to Mexico to visit family.) He said he was fine but he had noticed a small little rash on his forearm today. He had remembered how I told him that listerine gets rid of warts and pimples, so he decided to put it on his rash to see if it helped.

"You did what???"

"I put listerine on the rash. Maybe it will go away now."

"Why did you do that?"

"You told me that listerine got rid of warts and pimples. So I thought maybe it would get rid of this rash too."

"Daddy, the part about getting rid of warts and pimples was made up. It was from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." It's not really true. Not only that, but you used the wrong thing. It was windex that they used. Not listerine!"

"Oh. Well at least the itching stopped. Opa!!"

I love my dad.

Labels: Parental Units, Viva Mexico