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Thursday, July 14, 2005

...so take off all your clothes...

I'm pretty sure that the devil used to live in Houston. He wore a Stetson, had a gun rack on his Ford F150 pick-up, used words like, "reckon," "yonder," and "skeeters," was a certified Dubya lover, and he played a fiddle. Then one day, he had enough. He said to himself, "Dammit all to Houston! It's hotter than Hades down here. I'm moving!" He packed up all of his pitchforks and moved to Hell. (He left the Stetson, gun racks, and Fords behind.) "Aaaaaah. Much better. It's much much cooler down here. And it's a dry heat! My hair will be much more managable now!" And the devil lived happily ever after.

The End.

posted by The Merry Widow at 4:27 PM | 31 comments

Monday, July 11, 2005

The Ghost of Boyfriends Past

Boy has it been a doozy. In the past 2 weeks, 4 ex-boyfreinds have contacted me. Why? Because I'm the best thing that has ever happened to anyone and they all finally realized that. Too bad for them that I also realized it and figured out that none of them are worth my time. OK...that's a lie. One of them might be worth my time. But just a little. And maybe I like getting attention from boys, so really I'm sort of excited about hearing from guys. So here's a list of boys that want to get into my pants, typed in chronological order of when they contacted me:

1. Asshole with Small Dick: The L-Bomb may or may not have been used here this jerk-wad. But the second that things didn't go his way, he turned into the biggest baby EVER and decided to sleep with 800 other girls and then act like it was my fault. He and I haven't talked in over a year when, POOF, he calls me over the 4th of July weekend. Then he tries to act like nothing bad ever happened between us and shows up at my front door. I soon kick him out, because, um, hello, I have a life. So what does he do? Come back the next day. But wait, it gets better. Then he asks me if I'll, um, service him. WTF? When I say no, he throws a hissy and leaves. Yeah, don't let the door hit you on the way out, asshole.

2. First Boyfriend from College (FBFC): Have I fallen into a time warp? I dated this guy in 1995, people. 1995! I'm pretty sure that I don't miss anything from that year. This includes: grunge; OJ Simpson and his brain dead roomie, Kato; Newt Gingrich; and FBFC. Even Miss Cleo herself could have predicted that FBFC was a big loser. I should have listened to her when she told me that back then. Anywho, apparently Mr. College boy got my email address from a mutual friend and decided that he should write to me. I'm gonna pretend that this message went to my junk mail and that I never got it.

3. Guy that I briefly dated, here in H-Town: This one was a real winner. After wining and dining me, we talk about how awful some people are, you know, when they cheat on their significant others and all. 5 weeks later, I find out that this guy is MARRIED AND HAS A DAUGHTER. He then drops off the face of the earth (thank, God) until I run into him at a local bar while he is on a date with a girl who is NOT HIS WIFE. Anyway, I guess this punk-ass-mo-fo has gotten bored with his wife again, because I saw his number on my caller i.d. a few nights ago.

4. Guy #6: Mmmmmm...guy #6. Remember him? He's from this list. And he used to date the girl from this post. But now that she and her big bubble butt are out of the picture, Guy #6 has finally gotten a hold of my number and has been busy dialing it. And at first, I was a bit turned off...it was almost as if I liked him better when he had a girlfriend. Shallow, yes, I know. But after spending the past 3 days with him, I might be changing my mind a little. OK, OK, I admit that I think he's totally hot and that I have the biggest crush on him, and totally want him in my bed like 24-7. And maybe he has that thug/gangsta thing going for him, which is the complete opposite of the geeky/science-nerd Merry Widow that we have all come to love and adore. And maybe that scares me just a little, but totally turns me on at the same time. They say that opposites attract, right?

Is it possible that this ghost of boyfriend past might turn into the ghost of boyfriend future?

posted by The Merry Widow at 12:41 AM | 20 comments
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