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Thursday, April 27, 2006

Girl, interrupted

As of this week, I have determined that I am 100%, undeniably, without-a-doubt crazy.

And I don't mean psycho crazy like when some girl decides that the best solution to getting some guy to talk to her is to call his phone 13 times within a 10 minute time frame, in hope that "if I call his phone just one more time, maybe he'll answer" kind of crazy.

And I don't mean stupid crazy like eating a baggy full of mushrooms that one of your friends found in some cow pasture in some field in Colorado. And even though you know that those mushrooms were growing in a big, steaming, pile of cow dookie, and that the said mushrooms may or may not possibly kill you if you eat them, you decide that if you just throw them all on a slice of pizza, and then eat them, all will be ok.

And I don't mean adventurous crazy, like waking up one morning at 6am, calling 10 of your closest friends, and convincing them all that day that they should all go skydiving with you because "I think it might be kinda fun to jump out of a perfectly good airplane for no reason at all."

And I also don't mean drunk crazy, like when you line up 4 shots of Patron in front of you, take them all back to back and then proceed to do the following activities all in one night:

1.) Go line dancing
2.) Dance on a bar
3.) Make-out with someone from work
4.) Drunk call everyone in your cell phone, including your parents
4.) Come home and decide that you need a hair cut RIGHT NOW and proceed to cut off 7 inches of your own hair (unevenly, I might add) which you have been painstakingly growing out for 2 years.

Not that I have ever done, experienced, performed any of the above listed psycho, stupid, adventurous, drunk crazy activities. No, not me. Never. I'm a perfect little angel. I've just heard stories.

The kind of crazy to which I am referring involves strait-jackets, padded-walls, and heavy medication. I believe that I have officially become insane.

And I'll give you 2 reasons for the sudden onset of my complete, mental breakdown:
1.) My Dad
2.) My Mom

They are in my house as I type this, snooping through my stuff, moving things around, asking me too many questions, and harassing my poor, unsuspecting friends.

I now remember why I live exactly live 947.12 miles away from them. (A 15 hour and 21 minute drive.)

Ironically, I wouldn't trade them in for the world. (Against the wishes of the voices in my head.) And that is why I think that I am certifiably crazy.


posted by The Merry Widow at 9:52 AM | 4 comments

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

I've been walking these streets at night...

I am tired. But it's my turn to be here for her. So I stay strong for her. And I stay strong for him. And I stay optimistic for them.

But I am tired. And I can't let them see me this way. Because she was never tired when I needed her. And so many people are too tired to help him. And they will think that their little girl has fallen if I show them what little strength I have right now.

So every morning I wake up, and remind myself that all I need is just a little more patience. Patience is the key to my existence right now. Patience keeps me strong. Patience keeps me sane. Patience keeps me happy. And if I just keep reminding myself to be patient then I know that at the end of it all, she, and he, and they will let me take a nap. And even if I only get a short one, they will be worth it. Because I know that I can't survive right now without her and him and them. So I stay awake for them.

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posted by The Merry Widow at 5:56 PM | 2 comments

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

I am such a grown up

I found a caterpillar on the door knob of my front door last night. And I was so overcome with fear that I literally ran back to my garage and got back into my car, to protect myself from the evil gaze of that monstrous caterpillar's satanic eyes.

I then proceeded to yell at DJ for the next 2 minutes for not pulling some strings up in heaven to get rid of all the bugs and creepy crawlies that may or may not be invading my house at any given moment. I mean, he left me alone in the world to fend for myself, the least he could do is shoo a few bugs away so that I don't have to pee my pants every time one comes near me. Right? RIGHT???

But alas, I knew that I had to tackle this on my own, so I did what any sane, smart, logical, soon-to-be-30-years-old woman would do. I called my Daddy.

"There's a caterpillar on my door knob. What do I do?"
"Flick it off."
"With my BARE hands?"
"If you want. Or you could get a paper towel."
"Mija, calm down. You can't find a leaf or a stick or something else to use?"
"Are you kidding? It's dark out here. And I bet everything is covered in some sort of poisonous, neurotoxic caterpillar goop that will paralyze me with agonizing, excruciating pain the instant I touch it, causing me to have epileptic-like grand mal seizures and die! DIE I TELL YOU!!! So what do I do? WHAT DO I DO???"
"Mija, you're gonna have to calm down..."
"...Oh wait...The caterpillar is gone now. It must have crawled away while I was in my car. Never mind!"

And that, my friends, is the solution to all of life's problems. When you are in a time of crisis, and you don't know what to do, just wait 5 minutes...it might crawl away on it's own. And if that doesn't work, call the ultimate superhero - your daddy.

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posted by The Merry Widow at 10:39 AM | 5 comments

Monday, April 03, 2006

This one is for you. Take note.

OK. So last night I feel like I opened up a can of worms that I shouldn't have opened. I feel like I transferred my own temporary feelings of inadequacy, depression, and sorrow onto you. Remember how I said that I don't like to open up to anyone? This is why: I don't want people to take on my issues because everyone has their own issues to deal with, so I don't like to weigh other people down with mine.

And even though I never did tell you the real reason that I was feeling down yesterday, I want you to know that the reason that I didn't tell you everything on my mind is not because I don't consider you to be a good friend (because you are my good friend,) it's not because I don't want to open up to you, and it's not because of any of the so called "problems" that you think you are bringing my way. It's because I am scared. Plain and simple. "Scared of what?" you may be asking yourself. Well, that's a topic to be discussed at a later time & date, and in person, not on this blog for the whole world to read. But let it be known that this crazy little girl who "acutally has shit going for you" has plenty on her mind right now. None of which has anything to do with things that have happened between you and me. It's purely an issue between me, myself, and I.

But enough about me. Let's talk about you.

I don't really know why you were up all last night, worrying the night away. You never did tell me the answer to that one. But I have a feeling that it may have to do with some of the things that you briefly mentioned to me and some of the things that I briefly mentioned to you. And even though I told you this last night, I feel the need to reiterate: YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

I don't know if you know this, but I have friends from ALL walks of life. From ridiculously wealthy, to dirt dirt poor; with Ph.D's and with G.E.D.'s (and some, like my own mom, without a high school diploma at all); from Paris, France, all the way down to Lima, Peru; from the 5th Ward to The Woodlands...black, white, brown, yellow, purple, green...healthy, sick, disabled, lazy, so active that they run marathons...drug-free, addicts, social drinkers, alcoholics...church-goers, atheists.... You get the point. I don't discriminate when it comes to my friends. And despite where these people come from...despite their past, their upbriging, their education, or whatever, they all get into these ruts every so often. Everyone does. Everyone comes to a point in their life where they wonder what the hell they are doing. How did it get this way? Will it ever be good again? And sometimes it feels so hopeless...sometimes it feels like there's no way out and like you've done too much damage to ever make it better again.

But this is where I step in. Well, it doesn't have to be me, even though I would like it if it was. But it should be someone because there are plenty of people out there who care about you and want to see you do well in life. Plenty. For some strange reason, a lot of people always feel comfortable telling me EVERYTHING about themselves, which I always find ironic because I usually don't indulge any information at all about me. But anyway, they tell me things and a lot of these people are your friends too and they have ALL confided in me about you. Why? I don't know. Maybe it's because they feel like I'm easy to talk to and a good listener. That's a skill that I've had since I was a kid. And maybe they talk to me about you because they know that we talk. Maybe they think that I'll somehow miraculously fix everything and make it all better for you, them, the world. A lot of people, again for reasons unknown to me, think I can do that sometimes. Well, I am definitely not a miracle-worker. But I do tend to be a problem-solver and a care-taker. I like playing that role in life. I can't say that I'm very good at it, but if I can put a smile on someone's face or easy their worries, even if just for 5 minutes, then I feel like I'm doing my job in life. But anyway, I digress...

I want you to know this: I am here for you. In any way that you need. ANY way. Now that's not an option that I offer to too many people. I am there for a lot of people, but I usually don't give myself entirely to most. It's something that I reserve for the closest of closest of friends...for the people that I really truely care about. And you are included in that group. I've never admitted that outloud to anyone but I think that you and I both know that we might possibly be better friends than either of us have ever admitted to anyone.

I don't know if knowing any of this stuff helps you. I know that in my life, I refuse to rely on anyone for any kind of help or comfort. I always feel like everything is my fault, and my fault alone, and that I don't deserve anyone's help. So I don't reach out. But there came a time in my life when I couldn't go on without any help. I needed it, for the sake of my own health and sanity. And I finally reached out and accepted the help that had been offered to me all along. And with the support of my best friends and family, I was able, and am still able, to get through the rough patches in my life. That was something that I had to learn the hard way. I pretty much had to hit a very very low point in my life before I could admit that I couldn't get through things alone, without support.

So like I said before...I don't know what's going on through your mind right now. I don't know what it was that kept you up all night. But I do know that if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. Always remember that.

The Merry Widow

posted by The Merry Widow at 12:35 PM | 1 comments
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