OK. So last night I feel like I opened up a can of worms that I shouldn't have opened. I feel like I transferred my own temporary feelings of inadequacy, depression, and sorrow onto you. Remember how I said that I don't like to open up to anyone? This is why: I don't want people to take on my issues because everyone has their own issues to deal with, so I don't like to weigh other people down with mine.
And even though I never did tell you the real
reason that I was feeling down yesterday, I want you to know that the reason that I didn't tell you everything on my mind is not
because I don't consider you to be a good friend (because you are
my good friend,) it's not
because I don't want to open up to you, and it's not
because of any of the so called "problems" that you think you are bringing my way. It's because I am scared. Plain and simple. "Scared of what?" you may be asking yourself. Well, that's a topic to be discussed at a later time & date, and in person, not on this blog for the whole world to read. But let it be known that this crazy little girl who "acutally has shit going for you" has plenty on her mind right now. None of which has anything to do with things that have happened between you and me. It's purely an issue between me, myself, and I.
But enough about me. Let's talk about you.
I don't really know why you were up all last night, worrying the night away. You never did tell me the answer to that one. But I have a feeling that it may have to do with some of the things that you briefly mentioned to me and some of the things that I briefly mentioned to you. And even though I told you this last night, I feel the need to reiterate: YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.
I don't know if you know this, but I have friends from ALL walks of life. From ridiculously wealthy, to dirt dirt poor; with Ph.D's and with G.E.D.'s (and some, like my own mom, without a high school diploma at all); from Paris, France, all the way down to Lima, Peru; from the 5th Ward to The Woodlands...black, white, brown, yellow, purple, green...healthy, sick, disabled, lazy, so active that they run marathons...drug-free, addicts, social drinkers, alcoholics...church-goers, atheists.... You get the point. I don't discriminate when it comes to my friends. And despite where these people come from...despite their past, their upbriging, their education, or whatever, they all get into these ruts every so often. Everyone does. Everyone comes to a point in their life where they wonder what the hell they are doing. How did it get this way? Will it ever be good again? And sometimes it feels so hopeless...sometimes it feels like there's no way out and like you've done too much damage to ever make it better again.
But this is where I
step in. Well, it doesn't have to be me, even though I would like it if it was. But it should be someone because there are plenty of people out there who care about you and want to see you do well in life. Plenty. For some strange reason, a lot of people always feel comfortable telling me EVERYTHING about themselves, which I always find ironic because I usually don't indulge any information at all about me. But anyway, they tell me things and a lot of these people are your friends too and they have ALL
confided in me about you. Why? I don't know. Maybe it's because they feel like I'm easy to talk to and a good listener. That's a skill that I've had since I was a kid. And maybe they talk to me about you because they know that we talk. Maybe they think that I'll somehow miraculously fix everything and make it all better for you, them, the world. A lot of people, again for reasons unknown to me, think I can do that sometimes. Well, I am definitely not a miracle-worker. But I do tend to be a problem-solver and a care-taker. I like playing that role in life. I can't say that I'm very good at it, but if I can put a smile on someone's face or easy their worries, even if just for 5 minutes, then I feel like I'm doing my job in life. But anyway, I digress...
I want you to know this: I am here for you. In any way that you need. ANY way. Now that's not an option that I offer to too many people. I am there for a lot of people, but I usually don't give myself entirely to most. It's something that I reserve for the closest of closest of friends...for the people that I really truely care about. And you
are included in that group. I've never admitted that outloud to anyone but I think that you and I both know that we might possibly be better friends than either of us have ever admitted to anyone.
I don't know if knowing any of this stuff helps you. I know that in my life, I refuse to rely on anyone for any kind of help or comfort. I always feel like everything is my fault, and my fault alone, and that I don't deserve anyone's help. So I don't reach out. But there came a time in my life when I couldn't go on without any help. I needed it, for the sake of my own health and sanity. And I finally reached out and accepted the help that had been offered to me all along. And with the support of my best friends and family, I was able, and am still able, to get through the rough patches in my life. That was something that I had to learn the hard way. I pretty much had to hit a very very low point in my life before I could admit that I couldn't get through things alone, without support.
So like I said before...I don't know what's going on through your mind right now. I don't know what it was that kept you up all night. But I do know that if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. Always remember that.
The Merry Widow
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