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Monday, July 11, 2005

The Ghost of Boyfriends Past

Boy has it been a doozy. In the past 2 weeks, 4 ex-boyfreinds have contacted me. Why? Because I'm the best thing that has ever happened to anyone and they all finally realized that. Too bad for them that I also realized it and figured out that none of them are worth my time. OK...that's a lie. One of them might be worth my time. But just a little. And maybe I like getting attention from boys, so really I'm sort of excited about hearing from guys. So here's a list of boys that want to get into my pants, typed in chronological order of when they contacted me:

1. Asshole with Small Dick: The L-Bomb may or may not have been used here this jerk-wad. But the second that things didn't go his way, he turned into the biggest baby EVER and decided to sleep with 800 other girls and then act like it was my fault. He and I haven't talked in over a year when, POOF, he calls me over the 4th of July weekend. Then he tries to act like nothing bad ever happened between us and shows up at my front door. I soon kick him out, because, um, hello, I have a life. So what does he do? Come back the next day. But wait, it gets better. Then he asks me if I'll, um, service him. WTF? When I say no, he throws a hissy and leaves. Yeah, don't let the door hit you on the way out, asshole.

2. First Boyfriend from College (FBFC): Have I fallen into a time warp? I dated this guy in 1995, people. 1995! I'm pretty sure that I don't miss anything from that year. This includes: grunge; OJ Simpson and his brain dead roomie, Kato; Newt Gingrich; and FBFC. Even Miss Cleo herself could have predicted that FBFC was a big loser. I should have listened to her when she told me that back then. Anywho, apparently Mr. College boy got my email address from a mutual friend and decided that he should write to me. I'm gonna pretend that this message went to my junk mail and that I never got it.

3. Guy that I briefly dated, here in H-Town: This one was a real winner. After wining and dining me, we talk about how awful some people are, you know, when they cheat on their significant others and all. 5 weeks later, I find out that this guy is MARRIED AND HAS A DAUGHTER. He then drops off the face of the earth (thank, God) until I run into him at a local bar while he is on a date with a girl who is NOT HIS WIFE. Anyway, I guess this punk-ass-mo-fo has gotten bored with his wife again, because I saw his number on my caller i.d. a few nights ago.

4. Guy #6: Mmmmmm...guy #6. Remember him? He's from this list. And he used to date the girl from this post. But now that she and her big bubble butt are out of the picture, Guy #6 has finally gotten a hold of my number and has been busy dialing it. And at first, I was a bit turned off...it was almost as if I liked him better when he had a girlfriend. Shallow, yes, I know. But after spending the past 3 days with him, I might be changing my mind a little. OK, OK, I admit that I think he's totally hot and that I have the biggest crush on him, and totally want him in my bed like 24-7. And maybe he has that thug/gangsta thing going for him, which is the complete opposite of the geeky/science-nerd Merry Widow that we have all come to love and adore. And maybe that scares me just a little, but totally turns me on at the same time. They say that opposites attract, right?

Is it possible that this ghost of boyfriend past might turn into the ghost of boyfriend future?

posted by The Merry Widow at 12:41 AM |


Commented by Blogger Toady Joe:

Best of luck, MW! And I know you'll keep us posted. Love your blog, glad I found you through Kristine.

July 11, 2005 8:11 AM 
Commented by Anonymous debutaunt:

Did the small dicked wonder ask if you want some comp-ney? Why do asshats do this?

I say get you some. Hotties in your bed 24/7 are fun.

July 11, 2005 9:54 AM 
Commented by Blogger Nessa:

fun stuff! i love fun stuff! very happy for you!

July 11, 2005 11:23 AM 
Commented by Blogger Big Heavy:

disaster is written all over this one. give some geek a chance. thugs are just that. fake thugs are even worse.

you don't have to be Miss Cleo to see this one.

July 11, 2005 5:15 PM 
Commented by Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl:

Have fun MW but just guard your heart a bit. I'm sure Mr. Right will walk through the door before you know it.

July 11, 2005 5:17 PM 
Commented by Blogger some girl:

Whatever, join me in dating the combined total of the population of Uganda and Ethiopia in a search for at least one suitable man...

July 11, 2005 6:27 PM 
Commented by Blogger Jessie:

GUYS SUCK. Seriously. Why does it seem impossible to find someone to date sometimes? My last BF turned out to be a big alchie loser and the latest guy I am involved with has to move back to the BOONIES to work for a bit. How come nothing works out! I say use Guy #6 to your advantage. Milk him dry. Ride him hard, put 'em away wet. All that stuff.

Hmm...hopefully that wasn't a bit too bitter sounding! :-)

July 11, 2005 7:18 PM 
Commented by Blogger mrtl:

Some of these winners have given you instant membership into the AMAS (all men are slime) club. Eek!

So you don't service random assholes showing up at your door? Go figure. How creepy is that?

July 11, 2005 9:54 PM 
Commented by Blogger KC:

OK, I have to ask, since it's such a small world....which high school in Colorado Springs?

July 11, 2005 11:16 PM 
Commented by Blogger The Merry Widow:

Toady Joe: Thanks! I need all the luck I can get, given my past 2 weeks!

Debutaunt: 1.) No. 2.) Because he must have eaten a "retard sandwich" as Dooce calls it. 3.) Done. Hehehe...

Silly Nessa: Ha! Thanks!

Big Heavey: Sigh...I know that you're right. But I just can't help myself right now. I appreciate you looking out for me.

RSG: See, this is why I love you, and the rest of my blogger friends...always looking out for me. Trust me though, I am REALLY guarded right now.

Some Girl: AMEN! I was just catching up on your blog. Sounds like we've been sharing out men!

Jessie: Yeah! Boys do suck, don't they? And no, you don't sound bitter at all. There are a lot of biotches out there, posing as men. Time for me to take advantage of them instead of them taking advantage of me.

mrtl: How do I end my membership???

KC: I just answered you in your blog comments!

July 11, 2005 11:28 PM 
Commented by Blogger mrtl:

Toss the card and walk away. If you don't, it automatically upgrades to AMASAAWWTSM (all men are slime and all women want those slimy men).

July 12, 2005 2:41 AM 
Commented by Blogger little sister:

LOL @ mrtl's comments!

RSG is right - guarded is a good thing.

July 12, 2005 12:07 PM 
Commented by Blogger Von Krankipantzen:

Gee, I hate to say it but with so many exes coming out of the woodwork it almost sounds like it might just be time for a LIFE LESSON. Dammit. Don't you hate that?

July 12, 2005 12:31 PM 
Commented by Blogger Random and Odd:





there, with that being said, "Tacklehug" thank you for coming back and they are EX BOYFRIENDS FOR A REASON!

so new guy? What's his stats ;) What will his 'exboyfriend' name be?

July 12, 2005 3:44 PM 
Commented by Blogger Darbi:

Have fun, MW! And remember...when dating a thug, nuttin' says luvin' like a "Baller" rubber bracelet!


July 12, 2005 7:45 PM 
Commented by Blogger Pissy Britches:

Good lord...you got you some trouble on your hands with all these losers. Why is it that guys are so retarded.
I say go with #6....rock his world girlfrin.

July 13, 2005 8:54 AM 
Commented by Blogger The Merry Widow:

Mrtl: Lol! Will do.

Lil Sister: You and RSG are absolutely right. Don't worry, I'm guarding like crazy.

Krankipantzen: NOOOOOOOOOO! But I don't want a life lesson. (I'm saying that in my whiniest voice.)

Kristine: I'll never let it happen again!!! "Ex-boyfriend" name for Guy #6? Um, how about "my baby's daddy." Ha! TOTALLY JUST KIDDING. No babies for me, at least, not in the near future.

Darbi: LOL! I was actually just thinking about those bracelets this past weekend! I need to find those and buy one for each of us!

Pissy: Will do!!!

July 13, 2005 12:29 PM 
Commented by Anonymous Chuck:

Well, you might be wrong about some of the past guys, they might have changed.
Yeah ok, they havn't. But seems like this guy is trying to move a bit fast.

Then again, WTF do I know. I do know last time I ran into an Ex I was running away 1 year later with sole custody of my 11 month old son. So I guess running into Ex's can be a bad thing huh?. But that turned out for the best since, and I do not miss being on the "market".

Do post more often, get borign to see same post for a week at a time.

July 13, 2005 2:55 PM 
Commented by Anonymous sarcastic journalist:

Before I met The Hubs, I picked winners just like those.

I think its funny, you know, because I know you. I couldn't even IMAGINE someone having the balls to walk up to you and ask you to "service" them.

Did you put on your pretty glasses and explain that you are now a lesbian?

July 13, 2005 10:13 PM 
Commented by Blogger Caroline:

Whew, dramadrama, I love it! Keep us updated on Guy #6, he sounds like a total hottie...

July 14, 2005 7:41 AM 

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