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Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Just say no to crotch critters!

Why is it that whenever you have to pee really really REALLY badly, the toilet seat cover that you pull from the thing on the wall decides to tear?

And while you're standing there, crossing your legs, doing the pee-pee dance, why is it that the second toilet seat cover that you pull decides to be difficult? (i.e. The middle section of the cover won't detach from the little tabs and you have to very delicately and very slowly tear the little tabs, lest you tear another toilet seat cover in haste. All of which is very hard to do when you're doing the pee-pee dance at double time now. And yes, you HAVE to use the toilet seat cover because your mom has instilled into your brain, since you were a zygote, that if your bum ever so much as brushes up against the bare toilet seat, then you will catch a raging case of herpe covered cooties, shrivel up and die. DIE, I TELL YOU! And no, you don't want to do the squatting method because you managed to do a million lunges at the gym yesterday and just the mere thought of squatting causes your muscles to spasm up in agonizing pain.)

And when you finally get the toilet seat cover situation all straightened out, and you finally sit down and release the 12 gallons of water that you've been holding in your 1 oz. bladder, why is it that in that moment of cathartic relaxation your body decides to rip the loudest fart ever? A fart so loud that you swear that it registered on the richter scale?

And why is it that at this EXACT moment in time, someone else decides to walk into the bathroom and use the stall right next to yours?

And why is it that no matter how long you sit on the toilet and wait for the other person to leave so that you don't have to do the "yes, that was me who farted the loudest fart ever" walk of shame, the other person just won't leave?

And why is it that when you finally decided to just buck up and get the hell out of the bathroom, the other person decides to also leave at the same time? And now you have to both wash your hands at the sink at the same time...in dead silence.

AND why oh why does the other person in question have to be one of the senior directors at your company?

Why, God? WHY???

posted by The Merry Widow at 5:40 PM |

19 Comments:

Commented by Blogger Random and Odd:


mmmmm. i'm sorry. sooo sorry.


September 27, 2005 7:46 PM 
Commented by Blogger Pissy Britches:


Holy shit..you are one funny girl.
WE DON'T HAVE THE SEAT PROTECTORS at my work. Tell me that DOESN'T SUCK ASS!


September 27, 2005 8:36 PM 
Commented by Blogger mrtl:


The answer is Purell, my sistah.


September 27, 2005 9:16 PM 
Commented by Anonymous Nilla:


Dude. I fart EVERY time I go to the bathroom. It amazes me that I hold it in all day!

And, your solution. I carry a little Lysol in my bag and spray it. So the nasty creepy critters don't crawl up my butt. Not like they'd want to after that display....


September 27, 2005 11:04 PM 
Commented by Blogger Freebird:


Ah, crap! The senior director? Well, hell, you might as well quit now!


September 28, 2005 12:26 AM 
Commented by Blogger madmanan:


why not just hover? :)


September 28, 2005 9:45 AM 
Commented by Blogger Nessa:


bwahahaahahahahahaha - oh darlin' - i'm so sorry!!!! that sucks!


September 28, 2005 10:37 AM 
Commented by Anonymous Shanda:


Hey girl,

First off sorry about the bathroom mishap. Shit like that happens to me all the time. Next, I have become obsessed with your blog. Thanks for providing me some real, personal, creative entertainment.


September 28, 2005 10:49 AM 
Commented by Anonymous BitterSweet:


P.S.

check my sight out and if you have any advice as to how to get links on my site let me know.


September 28, 2005 10:50 AM 
Commented by Blogger The Merry Widow:


Madmanan: You did not read post thoroughly...that's ok though...I blame your Y chromosome. ;-)


September 28, 2005 10:50 AM 
Commented by Blogger pack of 2:


oh, I would die...LMAO...Sorry to hear that happened...with the boss...ugh!

I run to get the hell OUT of the restroom when someone has a gas explosion.

I figure I can just keep an eye on the restroom from outside & see who comes out if I really want to know who's ass exploded;)

Shelly


September 28, 2005 3:51 PM 
Commented by Anonymous Adrienne:


That happens to me every. single. day.

It matters not that there are only about 8 people who even use that bathroom, and it matters not that there are 5 stalls, or that I only use it about twice a day. Someone ALWAYS comes in right next to me, and ALWAYS waits until I give up and leave to do so themselves. WTF?

btw - I just found your blog through Kristine's links - I will be a regular reader from now on!


September 28, 2005 5:28 PM 
Commented by Blogger Big Heavy:


at my old office there was this fella that was slightly off. he would absolutely explode inside his stall. then he would bust up laughing. he'd get laughing so hard, you couldn't help but laugh too.


September 28, 2005 11:39 PM 
Commented by Anonymous single girl:


There's a lady at work who has...um...airy explosions every time I've ever been in the bathroom at the same time as her. And EVERY time, she exits the stall, shaking her head, and says, "Must've been something I ate."

You'd think she change her diet. :P


September 29, 2005 1:04 AM 
Commented by Blogger Fuzzball:


*can't...stop...laughing...*


September 29, 2005 12:03 PM 
Commented by Blogger Fuzzball:


*can't...stop...laughing...*


September 29, 2005 12:03 PM 
Commented by Blogger The Merry Widow:


HA! Everyone's comments totally made me laugh. They should install an audio recording device in work bathrooms and make a mix tape out of it. That would be HEE-LAR-EEE-OUS.


September 29, 2005 3:59 PM 
Commented by Blogger David:


Please, MW, tell me this is made up and fiction and NOT true. Please


September 29, 2005 4:42 PM 
Commented by Anonymous Di:


Hah!

Seriously though, the seat covers are pretty much not needed. You can't catch anything from the toilet seat. Even though my mom tried to instill the same fear in me! :)


October 30, 2005 7:30 PM 

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