Why is it that whenever you have to pee really really REALLY badly, the toilet seat cover that you pull from the thing on the wall decides to tear?
And while you're standing there, crossing your legs, doing the pee-pee dance, why is it that the second toilet seat cover that you pull decides to be difficult? (i.e. The middle section of the cover won't detach from the little tabs and you have to very delicately and very slowly tear the little tabs, lest you tear another toilet seat cover in haste. All of which is very hard to do when you're doing the pee-pee dance at double time now. And yes, you HAVE to use the toilet seat cover because your mom has instilled into your brain, since you were a zygote, that if your bum ever so much as brushes up against the bare toilet seat, then you will catch a raging case of herpe covered cooties, shrivel up and die. DIE, I TELL YOU! And no, you don't want to do the squatting method because you managed to do a million lunges at the gym yesterday and just the mere thought of squatting causes your muscles to spasm up in agonizing pain.)
And when you finally get the toilet seat cover situation all straightened out, and you finally sit down and release the 12 gallons of water that you've been holding in your 1 oz. bladder, why is it that in that moment of cathartic relaxation your body decides to rip the loudest fart ever? A fart so loud that you swear that it registered on the richter scale?
And why is it that at this EXACT moment in time, someone else decides to walk into the bathroom and use the stall right next to yours?
And why is it that no matter how long you sit on the toilet and wait for the other person to leave so that you don't have to do the "yes, that was me who farted the loudest fart ever" walk of shame, the other person just won't leave?
And why is it that when you finally decided to just buck up and get the hell out of the bathroom, the other person decides to also leave at the same time? And now you have to both wash your hands at the sink at the same time...in dead silence.
AND why oh why does the other person in question have to be one of the senior directors at your company?
Why, God? WHY???
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