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Wednesday, September 14, 2005

The Tao of Poop

Have you ever had a really really really bad Charlie Horse? The kind that wakes you up in the middle of the night, screaming in pain and making you panic into a frenzy of stretching exercises to make it go away? Well that is a walk in the clouds compared to the pain that I feel in my lower back right now. Muscle spasms galore. I couldn't even get out of bed until about 10am today. And when I did make it out of bed, I could only crawl. So I crawled to the bathroom so that I could pee. If anyone could have seen me, I'm sure it was pure comedy watching me try to get up, onto the toilet, without dying of excruciating pain. And to make matters a little more annoying, my cat kept trying to rub against me, purring and purring like the little cat slut that she is, trying to get me to pet her. For some reason, she always wants me to pet her and hold her while I'm on the toilet. WTF?

So I finally finish my business, crawl out of the bathroom and drag my body into my living room, where I conveniently left my heating pad and cell phone. But by this point, the pain is so intense that I'm no longer crawling, but doing that body shimmy thing that army guys do while they're in boot camp, training in one of those obstacle courses from hell. You know, the part where they have to shimmy their bodies underneath that camouflaged netting that's only like 1 inch off the ground? Yeah, that's how I dragged myself into the living room. Luckily for me, my cat sheds a lot, so I also ended up dragging a pound of cat hair with me. I won't even talk about the rug burn.

So after like 30 minutes of doing the body crawl, I finally make it to the living room. So far, I've watched 3 old reruns of Jeopardy, Love Connection, The Newlywed Game, and I've caught up on all the current episodes of MTV's Real World and Laguna Beach. Oh yeah, and I watched Celebrity Fit Club on VH1. Did you know that the Snapple Lady is on that show? Not only that, but this is her second season of being on it. She is way way determined to lose weight and has a heart of gold, but I'm tired of hearing her snapple lady voice. "Why didn't you just change the channel, Merry Widow?" you may be asking yourself. Well, I had to throw the remote control at my diva cat so that she would stop using my sofa as her scratching post and there was no way that I was gonna drag myself back across the living room again. So I watched like 5 episodes of Celebrity Fit Club, all in a row, snapple lady and all.

So I'm lying on my back, trying to figure out how I'm gonna get to the kitchen to get some pain killers and a glass of water when it hits me. I need to poop. And I need to poop now. (Damn you, Taco Bell!!! I will never eat you again!) You've never seen anyone do the body crawl back to the bathroom so fast. I bet I would have beat any army/marine/air force/celebrity fit club guy any day of the week. I swear I dragged my body clear to the other side of my house in like 0 seconds flat. The BMW M3 that I've been eying lately can't even go that fast. (It goes from 0 to 60 in 4.5 seconds.)

Now I have to get all G.I. Jane and use all of my arm muscles to hoist myself onto a somewhat sitting-like position on the toilet. So I finally make it, drop my kids off at the pool, reach for the toilet paper, and then...well...every time I tried to twist myself so that I could wipe, well...it just hurt WAY TOO MUCH. I tried to wipe myself from every angle/position possible but I just couldn't get to THE spot. You know to where I'm referring. Let's just call it the exit door. So I'm sitting there, absolutely determined to make sure I clean up, cause there's NO way that I'm gonna pull up my panties unless I'm spic and span clean. Not to mention that slut cat is back, rubbing and rubbing and purring and purring all over my legs. What is it with her and the toilet? Finally, I contorted myself in just the right way so that I can finally get to the exit door and get things sparkly clean. Let's just say that it involved me lifting a leg in the air. It wasn't pretty.

But you know what the funny part is? Doing all of the contorting and stretching while trying to wipe my ass must have been just the right thing because miraculously, my spasming back muscle started to ease up a bit. It was as if one of those evangelical preacher guys on TV had just smacked me on my forehead with his palm and declared, "YOU ARE HEALED!" Because after I finally flushed the toilet, I actually used my legs and stood up and started walking.

Now granted, I still can't walk in an upright position. I walk with my body arched to side, as if I'm doing calisthenics or practicing to be a banana.

Normal Me vs. My Back Hurts Like a MoFo Me

But at this point, I don't care. Now I can get to my drugs, now I can answer the door after I order a pizza, and now I can frantically get to my computer so that I can blog about it all.

posted by The Merry Widow at 3:10 PM |


Commented by Blogger mrtl:

um... hooray poop! ?

September 14, 2005 6:31 PM 
Commented by Anonymous Jessie:

Maybe it was the poop that eased the pain, not the twisting to whipe. ?

And dont worry M-wid, you can leave long "voicemail" comments on my blog any day!

September 14, 2005 7:01 PM 
Commented by Anonymous Jessie:

Maybe it was the poop that eased the pain, not the twisting to whipe. ?

And dont worry M-wid, you can leave long "voicemail" comments on my blog any day!

September 14, 2005 7:01 PM 
Commented by Blogger Firefly:

My voyuer cat does the same thing when I'm in the loo too AND when I am in the throes of lustful exercise with my bf. I echo your sentiments- wtf?

September 14, 2005 7:07 PM 
Commented by Anonymous Eirene:

Wow, sounds like you've had quite a day! Maybe that's what all the xanga crowd owes to your sudden presence on our comment list ;). That's why it happened. It's all because of xanga!

I DO totally need a tequilla shot and a six pack of shiner. How did you know? Too bad I couldn't finish the six pack if you paid me ;). Maybe you can help me sometime?

Glad you're feeling better!

September 14, 2005 10:46 PM 
Commented by Blogger Freebird:

Oh, that was just hilarious! Yeah, what it is with dogs/cats wanting attention as soon as you sit on the crapper?! My dogs do the same thing!

Your difficulty wiping reminded me of what happened to me a year ago. I was in the hospital, fresh from emergency abdominal surgery, had to go potty and couldn't wipe. I felt like I was going to rip my stitches open. What to do? Well, I asked my BF to come wipe me - and he did! Now, that's love! :-P Okay, I was totally humilitated, but had no choice. Hey, at least it was only #1 and not #2.

September 15, 2005 12:16 AM 
Commented by Blogger Surfie:


The whole time I am reading this saga (and boy-howdy, can I relate!), I'm thinking - how in the HELL did she make it up to the computer????

Great ending and I'm glad you feel better and sparkly clean.

September 15, 2005 7:34 AM 
Commented by Blogger madmanan:

mmmmm, taco bell. but i do have a question, you live in texas, why taco bell??? dont get me wrong, i love me some taco bell, but how about some taco cabana or something?

anyway, sorry to hear about your back, and your problems while you were taking the browns to the superbowl. but i hope you are feeling better today!

September 15, 2005 8:27 AM 
Commented by Blogger Pissy Britches:

Holy shit you are cracking me up. Poopin' can do miraculous things.
Glad you feel better!

September 15, 2005 9:03 AM 
Commented by Blogger Random and Odd:

You have taken your relationship with my boyfriend farther than I have. You have told him of the story that has 'poop' in it. I never have.

You're really pulling all the stops to steal him huh?


September 15, 2005 9:57 AM 
Commented by Blogger Big Heavy:

i suffer from the exact same thing.

stay away from the heating pad!!! it will double your recovery time.

you need to ice up your lower back for the first 24hrs. 15mins on/15mins off. find a good back brace (not neoprene crap).

start doing your situps. this happens when your stomach muscles aren't strong enough to help support your back.

find a good chiropractor. not a moneymaking schister (sp?).

September 15, 2005 10:21 AM 
Commented by Blogger The Merry Widow:

mrtl: Yeah, I had been telling myself that I wouldn't be one of those people who blogged about poop, but in this case it was my savior. So I made an exception. Yay poop!

Jessie: Ha! Maybe I'll start recommending pooping to everyone with back problems. Just wait til I become a doctor..."So you say you're lower back hurts and nothing seems to help? Have you tried pooping?" OH, and thanks for the long voicemail ok. I hate to admit that I'm always one of those people who leaves long voicemails all the time!

Firefly: LOL! Thank God my kitty doesn't hang around when I have company. That would be weird.

Eirene! I'm totally down with helping you with the Shiner. Maybe that will help my back too! And yes, Xanga has finally sucked me in, but just a little. I was just tired of not being able to comment on your and Guy #3's blogs!

Freebird: What a keeper! Nothing says true love like wiping for your significant other. And I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one with toilet obsesses pets!

Surfie: Yeah, the back is still hurting today, but I can walk and that's all I care about right now.

Madmanan: Lol @ "taking the browns to the superbowl." I can't wait to use that one. Oh, and Taco Bell is like 2 minutes from my house. Close by and cheap. Enough said.

Pissy: If you only knew how many poop stories I have. I swear I talk about my poop everyday with everyone. I'm not shy about it.

Kristine: But you have the boob hair story!!! And that, my dear, is true love. (Did the poop story work? Is Shaun gonna move out here with me?)

BH: Thank God for you!!! I've now switched to icing. I already knew about the sit-up thing. I always *intend* to do my sit-ups, but well, you know how that goes. But I'm tired of this back thing. I swear that as soon as I can sit down/lie down, walk without crying I'm gonna start doing regular sit-ups everyday. Thanks for the advice!!!

September 15, 2005 1:18 PM 
Commented by Anonymous Nilla:

I laughed so hard at this post I made one of those snorting noises.... You just have a pinched nerve! That's why when you twisted correctly, the vertebra turned and voila. And... my dumbass dog sticks her NOSE in my ASS when I sit down. As for poop posts, I posted one about a week ago about pooping in public bathrooms. Wee, fun.

September 15, 2005 3:47 PM 
Commented by Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl:

Oh MW, my poor girlfriend.

Be careful or the pain killers will stop you up!!! Take a few stool softeners with the pain pills, that should help.

September 15, 2005 4:56 PM 
Commented by Blogger David:

I have to wipe the tears from my eyes from laughing so hard.... and that is all the wiping you get from me.
Too funny if it were not for all the pain. You go GI Jane! I've got yer back.

September 18, 2005 3:23 PM 
Commented by Anonymous garnet:

I haven't laughed that hard in awhile. Funny, all my tension spasms are gone, too!

David recomended you. Glad he did.

September 19, 2005 1:08 AM 
Commented by Blogger The Merry Widow:

David & Garnet: I'm glad that my pain has brought you laughter. ;-P

Actually, I was cracking up myself, during the entire situation. Thank God I'm not living in the MTV Real World House, having my every move taped. It would have been so embarrasing!!!

Oh, and Garnet, thanks for stopping by!

September 20, 2005 12:04 AM 
Commented by Blogger The Merry Widow:

Nilla: LOL at your dog and at your snort!!! I do that all the time too. People make fun of me.

RSG: Trust me, I don't have any problems in the poop department. I've always been quite a regular girl. Too regular, if you ask most people. I hope that wasn't TMI. But then again, I just blogged about wiping my bung hole, so why am I worried about TMI now? :-)

September 20, 2005 12:06 AM 
Commented by Blogger Hippo:

My understanding Merry Widow is that you're lookin' for a man. What better way to advertise that your on the market than to describe your bowel movements in detail. I would have liked to see some of the followings describers: Shit, Cacka, Turd, Brown Bomb, etc. Please keep us informed.

Dr. H.O. Potamus

September 20, 2005 7:40 PM 

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