Bu Bum (say that outloud ala Law & Order)
I have been charged with the act of speeding: 58 in a 45. (Not too shabby, considering that my last ticket was an 89 in a 65, and the one before that was a 98 in a 65.) And because I'm such a little speed demon (Go, Speed Racer, go, Speed Racer, go, Speed Racer, Gooooo!!!) I got
the honor of meeting "
her honor" in the courtroom today. So this past weekend, I prepped for my arraignment, and refreshed my courtroom lingo by watching movies, such as, "A Few Good Men," "My Cousin Vinney," and "Shawshank Redemption." OK, "Shawshank Redemption" didn't teach me any courtroom lingo, but it prepped me for the possibility that I might unjustly go to jail. Plus, it's just a darn good movie. If I ever go to prison, I hope that Morgan Freeman is there with me. Then he can smuggle in some hot Justin Timberlake posters for me. But I digress....
So this morning, I woke up bright and early, put on my best lawyer outfit (with matching purse, of course) and marched into the courtroom, ready to yell out phrases like, "I OBJECT!!!" and "TRUTH??? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!" But there was no such drama.
Instead, I encountered:
1.) The Bailiff: Talk about stereotypes...he droned on and on about how he didn't want any trouble in the courtroom, lest we disturb his doughnut buffet. And yes, he really did talk about doughnuts quite extensively. His favorite are from
this place.2.) The Assistant District Attorney: This was the lady with whom I interacted. She offered me a plea bargain of "deferred disposition," which basically means that I'm on probabtion for 3 months. If I don't get another speeding ticket during these 3 months, then my case gets dismissed and no charges will appear on my record. (Read: my insurance will never find out that I'm a menace to society. Bwahahahaha!!!)
3.) The Judge: She reminded me of Shirley from "Laverne & Shirley." I wanted to yell out, "1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8! Schemeel! Schlemazel! Hasenfeffer Incorporated!" But instead I just said, "No Contest." in my quiet mouse voice when she asked me how I pleaded. It turns out that Shirley is way more Judge-Judy-like once you get a gavel in her hand.
Judge Shirley (with Laverne.) Don't let that sweet smile fool ya.
4.) The County Clerk (aka Hag): The Bottle Neck of the entire arraignment hearing. The District Attorney and Judge were each able to visit with 150 individuals/cases in under 60 minutes. It took another 2 hours, however, to get seen by the county clerk to sign one lousy piece of paper. She took her sweet little time, sighing and yawning as she went through each case. During this process, she got up a total of 6 times to use the bathroom, 2 times for phone calls, and 3 other miscellaneous times, probably spent stuffing her face with the Bailiff's left over doughnuts. Note that each person was called alphabetically to see her. It took her 2 hours to call my name, and my last name is not far from the beginning of the alphabet. I feel sorry for the poor fools with last names like Yentl and Zorro. (Can you guess what other movies I watched this weekend?) By the time their names get called, they would have probably sat in that courtroom for the equivalent of 2 life sentences.
But fortunately for me, I had brought my book along to occupy my time. If it wasn't for that, I probably would have gone off the deep end and cut that heifer, grilled up her ass with some BBQ sauce, and served it to the Bailiff. Then I would have to come to court all over again, deal with the Bailiff...again...and the entire cycle would repeat itself. Not to mention that murder is a hard thing to "get dismissed." And boy does it jack up your insurance premiums.
(*Footnote: Just this once, I'm not being a hypochondriac. I really do have bona fide, doctor certified Pneumonia. I'll show you my antibiotics to prove it.)
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