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Monday, May 16, 2005

Guess what! I also have Pneumonia! *

Bu Bum (say that outloud ala Law & Order)

I have been charged with the act of speeding: 58 in a 45. (Not too shabby, considering that my last ticket was an 89 in a 65, and the one before that was a 98 in a 65.) And because I'm such a little speed demon (Go, Speed Racer, go, Speed Racer, go, Speed Racer, Gooooo!!!) I got the honor of meeting "her honor" in the courtroom today. So this past weekend, I prepped for my arraignment, and refreshed my courtroom lingo by watching movies, such as, "A Few Good Men," "My Cousin Vinney," and "Shawshank Redemption." OK, "Shawshank Redemption" didn't teach me any courtroom lingo, but it prepped me for the possibility that I might unjustly go to jail. Plus, it's just a darn good movie. If I ever go to prison, I hope that Morgan Freeman is there with me. Then he can smuggle in some hot Justin Timberlake posters for me. But I digress....

So this morning, I woke up bright and early, put on my best lawyer outfit (with matching purse, of course) and marched into the courtroom, ready to yell out phrases like, "I OBJECT!!!" and "TRUTH??? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!" But there was no such drama.

Instead, I encountered:

1.) The Bailiff: Talk about stereotypes...he droned on and on about how he didn't want any trouble in the courtroom, lest we disturb his doughnut buffet. And yes, he really did talk about doughnuts quite extensively. His favorite are from this place.

2.) The Assistant District Attorney: This was the lady with whom I interacted. She offered me a plea bargain of "deferred disposition," which basically means that I'm on probabtion for 3 months. If I don't get another speeding ticket during these 3 months, then my case gets dismissed and no charges will appear on my record. (Read: my insurance will never find out that I'm a menace to society. Bwahahahaha!!!)

3.) The Judge: She reminded me of Shirley from "Laverne & Shirley." I wanted to yell out, "1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8! Schemeel! Schlemazel! Hasenfeffer Incorporated!" But instead I just said, "No Contest." in my quiet mouse voice when she asked me how I pleaded. It turns out that Shirley is way more Judge-Judy-like once you get a gavel in her hand.

Judge Shirley (with Laverne.) Don't let that sweet smile fool ya.

4.) The County Clerk (aka Hag): The Bottle Neck of the entire arraignment hearing. The District Attorney and Judge were each able to visit with 150 individuals/cases in under 60 minutes. It took another 2 hours, however, to get seen by the county clerk to sign one lousy piece of paper. She took her sweet little time, sighing and yawning as she went through each case. During this process, she got up a total of 6 times to use the bathroom, 2 times for phone calls, and 3 other miscellaneous times, probably spent stuffing her face with the Bailiff's left over doughnuts. Note that each person was called alphabetically to see her. It took her 2 hours to call my name, and my last name is not far from the beginning of the alphabet. I feel sorry for the poor fools with last names like Yentl and Zorro. (Can you guess what other movies I watched this weekend?) By the time their names get called, they would have probably sat in that courtroom for the equivalent of 2 life sentences.

But fortunately for me, I had brought my book along to occupy my time. If it wasn't for that, I probably would have gone off the deep end and cut that heifer, grilled up her ass with some BBQ sauce, and served it to the Bailiff. Then I would have to come to court all over again, deal with the Bailiff...again...and the entire cycle would repeat itself. Not to mention that murder is a hard thing to "get dismissed." And boy does it jack up your insurance premiums.

(*Footnote: Just this once, I'm not being a hypochondriac. I really do have bona fide, doctor certified Pneumonia. I'll show you my antibiotics to prove it.)

posted by The Merry Widow at 11:20 PM |


Commented by Blogger mrtl:

Speeding tickets suck. Hopefully you weren't robbed blind by it.

Get better, yo!

May 17, 2005 2:05 AM 
Commented by Blogger Weetzie:

mmmmmmmm.....shipley's donuts.....drool.....

May 17, 2005 8:24 AM 
Commented by Blogger Darbi:

The Cafe will be waiting for you as soon as you're better and/or not in the pokey.

Chris and I love Shawshank Redemption too....we should have a movie night! :-D

Hope you feel better! If you need chicken soup or someone to snot on, I'm just around the corner!


May 17, 2005 9:14 AM 
Commented by Blogger David:

slow down and enjoy the scenery, and you will live longer as well.
Peace and wholeness to you!

May 17, 2005 10:33 AM 
Commented by Blogger Random and Odd:

Rushing home to blog on your pretty pink blog?


What kind of car you drivin' missy!?

May 17, 2005 10:38 AM 
Commented by Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl:

Oh Merry Widow, the Pneumonia really sucks. I had it in January (see my very first blog entry.)
I also took the Z-Pack but was still sick three weeks later...it kicks your ass royally.
Speaking of royal,
I'm still loving your pink blog with a TIARA, and I'm still jealous.

May 17, 2005 1:34 PM 
Commented by Anonymous sarcastic journalist:

why would they have shipleys when there are sundale????

May 17, 2005 2:09 PM 
Commented by Blogger Dazed:

My Cousin Vinny has GOT to be one of the best movies ever made!
And I totally did the 'bu bum' sfx ala L&O style...love that show!

May 17, 2005 2:20 PM 
Commented by Blogger The Merry Widow:

mrtl: Hehehe...nah...I was totally speeding and totally deserved the ticket, for the 8 millionth time in a row. I actually feel like I got off easy in court! As long as it doesn't go on my insurance, then I'm happy.

Weetzie: I know...I feel like Homer Simpson when it comes to doughnuts.

Darbi: Thanks! I'm on my way to recovery...I just need to take it easy. (You know, like Sunday morning.)

David: According to my calculations, I will live to be 103. So, I've got the living longer thing down...it's the slowing down that I need to work on! I'm puttin my car on cruise control from now on so that I resist the urge to speed. That is, until August when my probation ends!

Kristine: How did you guess??? I'm still so in love with my new blog!!! BTW, your little appreciation gift is in the works...I'll let you know when I get it in the mail. Oh yeah, and I drive a Porsche. Well, I pretend like I drive a Porsche anyway.

RSG: It does suck, doesn't it? But the pink TIARA blog makes it all better. :)

SJ: I couldn't agree with you more. But who am I to argue with the law? If the Bailiff says Shipley's, then I say, "With or Without Sprinkles?"

Dazed: Yeah!!! My favorite line from the movie, "The 2 Yoots..."

May 17, 2005 2:57 PM 
Commented by Blogger Jessie:

haha...now I want a doughnut. Damn.

May 17, 2005 3:27 PM 
Commented by Blogger Dazed:

"the two whhhhhaaaaaaaaaat?"

My favorite line is..."little bambi is taking a nice, cool drink from the stream and then BAM, his head gets blown off"...

May 18, 2005 7:26 AM 
Commented by Blogger Pissy Britches:

Oh hell..I hate those fucking court rooms. I feel like a little puppy with my tail between my legs. You just stand there and take your punishment and leave.
I am so sorry you are sick! WHERE the fuck have I been????
Pneumonia???? jeezus..are you gonna be alright..do we need to call someone to check on you???
Feel better SOON! :)

May 18, 2005 8:45 AM 
Commented by Anonymous sarcastic journalist:

she may have pnuemonia, but she's not sick enough to miss star wars.

nerd. :)

May 18, 2005 9:30 PM 
Commented by Blogger Big Heavy:

speeder...nerd...smells like bacon...the perfect woman!!!!!!!!1

May 19, 2005 8:20 AM 

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