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Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Essence of Porky

I went to Sarcastic Journlist's mansion today during my lunch break. It was fun because we talked about poop and boobs, but I digress. When I got there, she had just finished frying up the biggest pile of bacon that I had ever seen in my life. It was glorious. But now that I'm back at work, I have come to realize that now I smell like bacon. And even though I had the biggest lunch ever today, I have the uncontollable urge to drive to Waffle House or IHOP. (Which leads me to another thought.... When did the House of Pancakes decide to classify itself as "International?" Is it because it is the melting pot of Pancakedom? Is it because of the diverse assortment of pancake syrups that they provide? Or is it because the waitresses there never seem to understand English? Anywho, back to the bacon smell.)

So I'm sitting here at work thinking that everyone is grossed out by the fact that I smell like pork products. But then slowly, I started to realize that every single guy that I've come accross, since returning with my lovely new piggy scent, has been flirting with me. Now, I'm pretty hot, so guys are like, you know, flirting with me non-stop. They practically line up every morning just to say hello to me. But now they're laying it on strong. Now they're all, "Why, hello there, Ms. Merry Widow! Don't you look extravagant today." Or, "Yowza! Did you do something to your hair? It looks really good." Or, "Hey! Nice ass!" So here I am, thinking that I'm looking absolutely fabulous, right? When it dawned on me...it's my smell. The guys are attracted to the smell of bacon. I mean, it works for dogs right? Y'all have seen those commercials for those little doggie treats called "Beggin Strips," right? The ones that smell and look like real bacon? Well, if it works for dogs, it HAS to work for guys too, right? I mean, there's no other explanation. I have a big zit on my nose right now, I'm wearing a ratty shirt, and tennis shoes. Plus, I have my hair strategically bobby pinned off of my face right now because my bangs are in that too long to keep down, but too short to pull back stage. Oh yeah, and I'm all congested and snotty today -- left overs from this weekend's cold. Let's face it: today is not my best day, looks-wise.

So here's my plan: next time I'm going out on the town, I'm gonna fry me up some bacon. I'm gonna dab it behind my ears, a little on my wrists, and maybe rub it a little on my boobies. Then, not only will I meet, fall in love with, and marry my Prince Charming, but I bet he'll take me out to breakfast too.

posted by The Merry Widow at 1:26 PM |

29 Comments:

Commented by Blogger Pissy Britches:


Oh shit you are crazy. You know you could walk your ass right up in the Waffle House and get you a joby job ASAP.
Too fucking funny!


May 11, 2005 2:07 PM 
Commented by Blogger Buttercup and JOHN-43:


funny post, liked the blog :))))


May 11, 2005 2:23 PM 
Commented by Blogger Charlotte in Pa:


I think they call themselves "International" because they serve Belgian Waffles AND French Toast - they're quite well-traveled.


May 11, 2005 2:48 PM 
Commented by Blogger Amy:


They so need to make an eau de parfum called

Chanel No. Baconne.


May 11, 2005 3:06 PM 
Commented by Blogger Big Heavy:


if you smelled like bacon anywhere near me, i'd be on you like white on rice. i dig me some pork products. dang, now my mouth is watering.


May 11, 2005 3:13 PM 
Commented by Blogger madmanan:


hellz yea, you ever been camping? cookin bacon in the morning, thats like the best smell ever. out in the woods, smellin some beggin...

mmmmmmmm

my michelinas lean gourmet lunch suddenly seems inadequate...


May 11, 2005 3:19 PM 
Commented by Blogger Jessie:


WOAH

Check out the hottie mc. hot lay-out dude!
Nice!

And keep up the bacon work.


May 11, 2005 3:20 PM 
Commented by Blogger Sissychong:


I am going to buy lots and lots of bacon on my way home for work! Look out Hubbychong! I guess the bacon issue is where why that song was invented:
I can bring home the bacon,
Fry it up in a pan,
And never let you forget I'm a wo-oo-oo-man!


May 11, 2005 3:26 PM 
Commented by Anonymous Anonymous:


Now I know why I'm still single.

Must. Fry. Bacon. Daily.

Next time we meet up, it's got to be IHOP!

~debutaunt


May 11, 2005 3:40 PM 
Commented by Blogger what a life:


Hilarious. Nothing says sex like greasy bacon and now I'm hungry. You know, they have a restaurant here in Mexico called La Casa de los Pancakes. I wonder if it's related to IHOP. Food is good but no American bacon. I think I'll go to El Wal-Mart and buy some.


May 11, 2005 3:53 PM 
Commented by Blogger Greenthumb:


kat, your comment was the best one. El Wal-Mart. LOL!!!

Merry Widow, are you sure you want to lure in the kind of man that bacon attracts? Seriously? Well, maybe if he looks like the aussie guy in that Expedia commercial, do you know the one? asking for a towel? mmmmm...down under wonder.


May 11, 2005 5:35 PM 
Commented by Blogger The Recovering Straight Girl:


Merry Widow,

Perhaps it has less to do with your bacon smell and more to do with the fact that you're so happy because you have a

PINK BLOG WITH A CROWN!


May 11, 2005 5:55 PM 
Commented by Blogger Von Krankipantzen:


I have heard that men love the smell of vanilla as it triggers memories of breastfeeding as a wee babe. So I am damned curious what memories bacon smell triggers. Now I know why I am single. I am vegetarian!


May 11, 2005 7:44 PM 
Commented by Blogger The Merry Widow:


Pissy: If I worked at Waffle House, I would get really really fat. I love that place.

buttercup & John-43: Thanks for stopping by! I checked out your blog...how wonderful that you have found your true love!

Charlotte: Hehehe...they are pretty damn cultured down at IHOP.

Amy: LOL! I wonder if it would be like that one guy's cologne in the movie, "Anchorman." That one with real black panther in it.

Big Heavy & Madmanan: I KNEW IT!!! That's it, I'm wearing bacon everyday.

Jessie: You likey? I lovey.

Sissychong: Tell me if it works! I think that next time I invite Guy #6 over, I'm just gonna have some bacon cooking on the stove.... Yeah, baby!

Debutaunt: I know. Why didn't we think of this earlier?

Kat: My Mexican counterparts LOVE eating what they call "los hotcakes." Who knew that pancakes were such a big hit in Mexico. Viva los hotcakes!!!

Greenthumb: At this point, any man will do. OK, I take that back. He has to have good teeth and a hairless back. Oh yeah, and not be a felon.

RSG: Bow down to my pink crown blog!!!

Krankipantzen: You don't have to eat the bacon! Just wear it! Man, now I have to burn some vanilla ice cream with my bacon. That will really turn the guys on, right?


May 11, 2005 11:33 PM 
Commented by Blogger Pissy Britches:


Waffle House fucking ROCKS!


May 12, 2005 8:43 PM 
Commented by Blogger Shaun:


mmmmmmmm........baaaaaacon


May 12, 2005 11:09 PM 
Commented by Blogger Big Heavy:


it's a tiara


May 13, 2005 1:02 AM 
Commented by Blogger Dazed:


You better start bottling that shit up and selling that! What a great idea! =)


May 13, 2005 7:36 AM 
Commented by Blogger Random and Odd:


Shut up Shaun, you can't smell bacon! You have no sinus power!

Poor guy...he doesn't even eat bacon.

*rolling eyes* He must be over come by the pretty pinks and tiara!


May 13, 2005 11:05 AM 
Commented by Blogger mb:


Damn, I knew SJ was cool, but she's into bacon too? I *heart* her now.

Love the new look!


May 13, 2005 7:04 PM 
Commented by Blogger mrtl:


Oh you're a bitch. I'm about to implode from trying to keep from laughing out loud (Bug's sleeping five feet away). I'm actually tearing up.

Being the scientist that you are and all, I'm sure you'll be methodical in testing your Bacon Attraction Theory. We'll expect a full report.


May 13, 2005 11:15 PM 
Commented by Blogger Pink Lemonade Diva:


My first time over here, MW - via Alexandrialeigh. I'm just thinking the bacon route could be risky with that whole doggy butt sniffing thing.


May 15, 2005 7:00 PM 
Commented by Blogger Pissy Britches:


Guess what I had my big ass for dinner last night?????

A BIG FUCKING BLT Sammich'!
Pork FAT FUCKING RULES


May 16, 2005 10:02 AM 
Commented by Blogger Pissy Britches:


Guess what I had my big ass for dinner last night?????

A BIG FUCKING BLT Sammich'!
Pork FAT FUCKING RULES


May 16, 2005 10:02 AM 
Commented by Blogger The Merry Widow:


Mrs. Pissy: I Love that you love pork fat. My belly is mostly shaped like a big fat pig, so that means that you must love me!!!

Shaun: Can you smell it all the way over there? I bet even the most sinus congested snot face can smell bacon.

Big Heavey: Thanks for clarifying! You're absolutely right...it's a tiara, people.

Dazed: Lol! Can you imagine if such a perfume really existed? We would never be able to keep the dogs, uh, I mean men, off of us.

Kristine: Shaun doesn't eat bacon?!? WTF???

mb: On Merry Widow's blog, all praise must be given to Merry Widow and Merry Widow alone (notice tiara.) ;-) Just kidding. Thanks for stopping by!

mrtl: hehehe. I'm a bacon bitch!

Pink Lemonade Diva: For starters, let me say that I love your name. And you're right...I didn't consider the doggy butt sniffing. I hate that. I hate it even more when they go straight for your crotch!


May 16, 2005 5:52 PM 
Commented by Anonymous sarcastic journalist:


you forgot to tell everyone about the part where you went out for pizza with my husband and didn't invite me.

I ate some bacon earlier. Maybe I'll get laid. So, is the bacon smell why I kept on hugging you?


May 17, 2005 2:04 PM 
Commented by Blogger The Merry Widow:


I think you kept hugging me because you think I'm hot.

And you're ALWAYS invited. You just never accept the invitation.


May 17, 2005 2:20 PM 
Commented by Anonymous sarcastic journalist:


If you pick me up and bring me out for a drink that doesn't include beer, I'll go. As long as it isn't on Thursday night. Or Sunday night. Or when I'm tired.


May 17, 2005 9:09 PM 
Commented by Blogger The Merry Widow:


DEAL!!!


May 17, 2005 10:38 PM 

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