I went to
Sarcastic Journlist's mansion today during my lunch break. It was fun because we talked about poop and boobs, but I digress. When I got there, she had just finished frying up the biggest pile of bacon that I had ever seen in my life. It was glorious. But now that I'm back at work, I have come to realize that now
I smell like bacon. And even though I had the biggest lunch ever today, I have the uncontollable urge to drive to Waffle House or IHOP. (Which leads me to another thought.... When did the House of Pancakes decide to classify itself as "International?" Is it because it is the melting pot of Pancakedom? Is it because of the diverse assortment of pancake syrups that they provide? Or is it because the waitresses there never seem to understand English? Anywho, back to the bacon smell.)
So I'm sitting here at work thinking that everyone is grossed out by the fact that I smell like pork products. But then slowly, I started to realize that every single guy that I've come accross, since returning with my lovely new piggy scent, has been flirting with me. Now, I'm pretty hot, so guys are like, you know, flirting with me non-stop. They practically line up every morning just to say hello to me. But
now they're laying it on strong. Now they're all, "Why, hello there, Ms. Merry Widow! Don't
you look extravagant today." Or, "Yowza! Did you do something to your hair? It looks really good." Or, "Hey! Nice ass!" So here I am, thinking that I'm looking absolutely fabulous, right? When it dawned on me...it's my smell. The guys are attracted to the smell of bacon. I mean, it works for dogs right? Y'all have seen those commercials for those little doggie treats called "Beggin Strips," right? The ones that smell and look like real bacon? Well, if it works for dogs, it HAS to work for guys too, right? I mean, there's no other explanation. I have a big zit on my nose right now, I'm wearing a ratty shirt, and tennis shoes. Plus, I have my hair strategically bobby pinned off of my face right now because my bangs are in that too long to keep down, but too short to pull back stage. Oh yeah, and I'm all congested and snotty today -- left overs from this weekend's cold. Let's face it: today is not my best day, looks-wise.
So here's my plan: next time I'm going out on the town, I'm gonna fry me up some bacon. I'm gonna dab it behind my ears, a little on my wrists, and maybe rub it a little on my boobies. Then, not only will I meet, fall in love with, and marry my Prince Charming, but I bet he'll take me out to breakfast too.
Go Ahead, Share Your Thoughts! .
