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Thursday, November 03, 2005

I Don't Have Bette Davis Eyes

So as long as I can remember, my right eye has constantly watered. All the time. Non-stop. 24-7. Like it's always crying a river. Literally. My right eye has cried a river's worth of tears. In fact my eye is tearing right now, as I type this. But just my right eye.

So for a long time I thought that my eye was watering because I was always outside, in the cold wind. Yes, I thought it was weird that only my right eye would water, but it seemed like a reasonable explanation at the time. Then, as years passed, and the wind died down, I thought that perhaps my right eye was more sensitive to allergens than the left eye and maybe that's why it was always tearing. But then the wonderful drug, allegra, was invented and even though I eat that stuff like it's chicken fried rice (yummy) my right eye still hasn't stopped watering.

Anywho, I finally broke down and went to see an Ophthamologist today so that she could fix my damn eye and it would stop watering and I could start wearing eye shadow on that eye again and looking symmetrically fabulous.

And after what seemed like 800 puffs of air shot into each eye ("to test the pressure of your eyes,") and 12 million hours of staring into a light that is 10 to the nth times brighter than the sun, the doctor turned to me (at least I think she turned to me...I could only see white light at that point of my visit) and said, "Well, from what I can tell, your tear ducts do not seem clogged. Why don't you try using these tear drops for the next 3 weeks and then come back. If the drops haven't helped, then we're gonna have to probe your lacrimal duct to see if there's blockage." PROBE MY LACRIMAL DUCT??? WTF??? Basically, Dr. Evil wants to rotor-rooter my tear duct. I guess those 4 years of evil medical school are finally paying off for her.

So now I have visions (ha! pun intended) of me having to go through this:

and this:

and also this:

Just so I can end up with eyes like these.

Perhaps this lady:

And also this lady:

Should consider having the same procedure done.

posted by The Merry Widow at 5:14 PM |


Commented by Blogger Jessie:


November 03, 2005 7:35 PM 
Commented by Blogger Freebird:

Funny. Don't do it!

November 03, 2005 8:17 PM 
Commented by Blogger Big Heavy:

hell no!! you're just fine the way you are!! don't change a thing!!

November 04, 2005 12:39 AM 
Commented by Blogger mrtl:

I just threw up a little in my mouth. Oatmeal choco chip cookie and pigs in blankets. Not very good.

November 04, 2005 1:17 AM 
Commented by Anonymous Nilla:

After I had Lasik in June 2004, I developed Chronic Dry Eye. I think that weepy eye would be better!!

November 04, 2005 8:39 AM 
Commented by Blogger Nessa:

MY EYES ARE HURTING!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!! Seriously - those were torture. I hear that tear duct opening isn't that bad...

November 04, 2005 10:44 AM 
Commented by Blogger Nap Queen:

Oh. My. God. Those pictures are priceless. My husband has the weepy eye thing (except I would call it frequent, not all the time) and i just had to endure the air puff machine this morning!

November 04, 2005 1:22 PM 
Commented by Blogger SoozieQ:

I would have so preferred a warning of some sort. I had to scroll super fast past a few of those pictures and it STILL wasn't fast enough.

I'm going to have eyeball nightmares tonight!

November 04, 2005 7:21 PM 
Commented by Anonymous Ruben:

I won't be dissing your peeps. :-)

November 05, 2005 3:57 PM 
Commented by Blogger Cathy:

The lady in the third picture looks like she needs more than her ducts probed. In fact, she looks as if someone is in the process of probing her butt.

Fingers are crossed that the drops work and you are spared any horrid probings.

November 06, 2005 9:17 AM 
Commented by Blogger SWF:

That picture of Alex is more horrifying to me than the yucky one. Ack! Viddy well, Merry Widow! Viddy well!

November 06, 2005 3:45 PM 
Commented by Anonymous sarcastic journalist:

too bad that last picture really is of you.

November 08, 2005 11:12 PM 
Commented by Anonymous Anonymous:

OUCH !!!

November 06, 2008 12:07 AM 

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