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Friday, April 08, 2005

Yes, I've gotta have faith-ah, faith-ah, FAITH-AH!

I can distinctly remember telling my dad that I had a brain tumor. "It's not a tumor." He would say to me in his best Arnold accent. (You haven't lived until you hear a Mexican immitate an Austrian.) For 1 whole year I complained to my dad about my brain tumor. My head always hurt in the exact same spot, every day. My best friend would come by my house and ask me, "Wanna go to the park? Or is your tumor acting up again?" And I complained and complained and complained about it, but my dad never listened. Well, as luck would have it, my tumor miraculously dissipated. All of those prayers to JP2 must have helped.

That was the same week that I developed a flesh eating disease called Necrotizing fasciitis, also known as group A streptococcus. "Daddy, I have Strep-A." That's what I called it. But he just thought I was trying to speak like a Canadian. As in, "Daddy, I have Strep. Eh!" And he would say, "Go eat a spoon full of honey. It'll help for your sore throat. And quit speaking like a Canadian. We're from the other border country." And I would say, "No, Daddy, not Strep Throat. Strep-A. As in Group A streptococcus. As in Necrotizing facitits. " "Mija, where do you learn all of these words?" "From the Merck Manual that you gave to me." "Mija, I gave you that Merck Manual so that you could look up diseases and figure out that you didn't have any of them. Not so that you could diagnose yourself with new ones." "Well, Daddy, I looked in there and according to the manual I have a flesh eating disease." "Well then go wash your hands." "Daddy, I have a FLESH EATING DISEASE and that's all you can think to say to me?" "No. I also want you to go do your homework. Oh yeah, and give me back my Merck Manual." And by the miracle of God, Himself, my Strep-A finally went away, 2 weeks later. All of those prayers to the Virgin of Guadalupe must have helped.

Things were fine and dandy until I went away to college. When out of the blue, I developed ovarian cancer. "Daddy, I have ovarian cancer." "Mija, just go take some Midol. That should help." "Thanks for the sympathy, Daddy. Is that what you tell all of your patients? You are so gonna miss me after I die from this." "Mija, why do you think you have ovarian cancer?" "Because!!!" I said in my most whiney voice. "I'm really crampy and stuff." "Yeah, your mother gets grumpy too when she gets her period." "DADDY!!! NOT GRUMPY...CRAMPY!" "Yeah. I heard you. Your mother gets grumpy too," he said with a giggle. "YOU WON'T BE LAUGHING AFTER I DIE!" I screamed, right before I hung up on him. Luckily, my ovarian cancer went away after a trip to the gyno. All of those Santerian chicken sacrifices that I made must have helped.

Until I developed Neurofibromatosis. "Daddy, I have neurofibromatosis." "No, mija. It's just a wart." "Dammit, Daddy, are my diseases never good enough for you?!?" "Come by the clinic tomorrow. I'll freeze it off for you." Well, I went, and he froze it off and it never came back. But I still don't think it was a wart. I think it was the fact that I prayed the Rosary that night. I'm sure it helped.

Then, one day, I met the man of my dreams. And I became The Merry Wife...the perfect picture of health. And all of my diseases went away.

Until last week...

I'm pretty sure that I have tonsilitis. This, of course, means that my tonsils have now grown back. (I had a tonsillectomy about 8 years ago.)

I'm also pretty sure that the Strep-A ("Strep. Eh!") has come back and has taken over my face. Specifically, it's eating my nose.

And did I mention that I think I'm going blind? I totally am... slowly... like Ray Charles style. I better hurry up and learn piano. If I'm gonna go blind, I should at least be a good musician.

Hello. My name is Merry Widow, and I'm a hypochondriac.

OK, OK...I'm a smart girl. I know this. You know this. So maybe I didn't really have a brain tumor, Necrotizing facitits, Ovarian Cancer, and Neurofibromatosis. Maybe it was just a sinus infection, an infected scrape, bad cramps, and a wart. And maybe I don't currently have tonsilitis, Necrotizing facitits (again,) and I'm not going blind. Maybe it's just a sore throat from smoking too many cigs the other night, a big zit that I won't stop picking, and red/itchy eyes from seasonal allergies. But then again...maybe not. I better pull out my prayer rug and figure out which direction points towards Mecca, just in case.

posted by The Merry Widow at 12:49 AM |


Commented by Anonymous mrtl:

This is too funny! And it reminds me of my college roommate's dumb boyfriend, who once compained of a stomach ache and said he thought he had endometriosis.

Your father sounds like a hoot.

April 08, 2005 11:36 AM 
Commented by Blogger madmanan:

lol, i got to your blog through the grape vine, and have to say, you are pretty damn funny!

great read!

April 08, 2005 12:18 PM 
Commented by Blogger Head of our pack...:

Hi, I found your blog through someone else and I just wanted to say that this post is to damn funny.

When I was a child my step-father would say to me: "shall we just get you a stretcher from the hospital??" so that I could lay in it all day an complain about my various illness.

I still swear I have a brain tumor. My doctor just rolls her eyes and tells me to take a vacation.

April 08, 2005 10:12 PM 
Commented by Blogger Darbi:

oh my god...i had a friend a while back who was a REAL DEAL hypochondriac. she drove me insane. but i loved her anyway and i love you too. oh yeah, and i'm drunk. but it's friday and i don't have anything planned for tomorrow morning so that's....okay (a la Stuart Smiley). I should call you now but i won't because i need a shower. BYE!

April 08, 2005 11:28 PM 
Commented by Blogger The Merry Widow:

Mrtl: He thought he had endometriosis? Wow. That would be like saying that I had prostate cancer. BTW, today I did decided that I might have macular degeneration. That would explain the blindness.

Madmanan: Awwww shucks...

The Life of Me: I can totally relate. Just today someone rolled their eyes at me when I told them that I had macular degeneration.

Darbi: You better call me next time!

April 09, 2005 3:42 PM 
Commented by Blogger Random and Odd:

I tried to post a comment the other day, but it wouldn't let me.

I would have been the friend that caught all your stuff.

"Mommmmm, I caught dandruff from the Merry Widow!!!!"

April 10, 2005 12:47 PM 
Commented by Blogger Dazed:

Oh man, Im glad Im not the only freak out there. I should devote a whole post to the times Ive been to the doctor for life and death illnesses that turned out to be a springing pupil or something fake like that.

April 12, 2005 7:12 AM 
Commented by Blogger Bitchkateers Unite!:

I just got over strep. I'm the exact opposite. I have to practically be dying before I will go find out what I have.

Because I'm a stubborn dumbass like that.


April 13, 2005 3:29 PM 

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